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Showing posts from March, 2015

Undo the Damage Done

If time could turn back, would I still have done what I did? What would Jesus have done?

These words have sunk deep into my heart. Said with that steady gaze. A tinge of bitterness? I couldn't even express how sorry I felt- the impact of what I (no, we) have done was looming over me.

I sat outside with the piercing shouts of children, and it seemed too much to bear.

Afterwards I tried to revert to childish thinking- heck, I'm only 20! I shouldn't be doing these things.

Steel yourself. Steel yourself.

I need to read the Word. Romans 8. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
I down the comforting milk tea together with Romans 8, trying to claim the promises.

Remembered how Betsie thanked God for the fleas in that wretched concentration camp. Thank God for this failure also, may I be open-handed toward You.

Afterwards: Thank God that I recall how it is not totally my fault; but du…

My First Love

You stir my highest affections Lord. Not always, but my First Love, You alone are capable and worthy of having my greatest affections.
When Israel begrudged God about the lack of water in the desert, even asking to go back to their land of slavery, God gave them water from a rock. There is such a lack of dignity that it blows my mind whenever I think about it.
Jesus Christ, "being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness" (Philippians 2:6-7, NIV).
The most scandalous marriage in history is between Jesus Christ and His adulterous and rebellious wife, the church.
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name? Will you go where you don't know and never be the same? Will you let me love be shown? Will you let my name be known? Will you let my life be grown in you, and you in me?
Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name Let me turn …

Might or might not be published

That sense of restlessness has not left. Especially when I saw him last Saturday. And was there that gaze on me or am I mistaken?

So I prayed. Thank God I prayed. "Please help me to honour You amidst these feelings, to discern if they are sin unto You." My head (and part of my heart) tells me that I loathe to lift up my soul to another. But still, a mist exists in my heart, obscuring the 'highways to Zion' (Psalm 84:5) inside.

Below pulls together what I have found helpful:

1. From Uncle Tai Kok

He expounds from Song of Solomon, a very passionate description of lovers' love for each other. Specifically he chose Chapters 3 and 4. I quote 3:1

"Restless in bed and sleepless through the night, I longed for my lover. I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful." (MSG, emphasis added)

Below are directly words from his (very long) FB post:
The book reminds us of the length, breath and height of human love.

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upo…

Better is One Day

I was talking to that crazy BFF about what I wanted for my 21st: "I want books. And letters. And hugs. And a boyfriend. Hahaha."

There is deep wonder at how God speaks so directly to where I am. I have been carrying a sinful heartache (more like a nagging restlessness).
Even at the cusp of adulthood, I love leaning on my Dad. I love calling on him for help, annoying him with my childish nonsense, and calling him "Pboo-Pboo" at random (please don't judge).

It's this feeling of security that I am looking for.

Yet God reminds me of many truths through Psalm 84, on which Better is One Day is based on:

Great joy
God's dwelling place is so lovely and gives us such great joy- we'll have no need for a sinful man for companionship. We are blessed to dwell in His house!

Do not long for lesser things
Like the lame beggar in Acts 3, I ask for lesser things when God is pleased to bless me immensely. I ask beggar's prayers when 'no good thing does He withho…

A Burden

As much as I love snail mail, I must admit that not all give me that leap of joy. A particular one from the Massachusetts Correctional Institution gives me a kind of unwanted burden.

Having corresponded with Jermaine for over a year, I now feel a sense of unease particularly thinking about when he will be released soon. Of all the ministries God has given me, it has been one that gave least joy and is the most burdensome.
But why? As I was tossing around for an explanation, it dawned on me that deeper than the irrational fear that Jermaine has romantic feelings for me, there is a deep-seated stereotype of an unstable prisoner. At the same time, his way with words makes the conservative Asian in me cringe.

Still, I thank God for him. What is love without some cost? I must be willing to journey with him, to accept him when little people do. As the Father has accepted and showered me with blessings when I am in a wretched state, let me not turn away from my brother. Oh yes, let me not tu…