The Morning I Wept

I have been praying that I can cry everything (whatever that is) out for sometime. Since last Friday after I slept through the quarrel between Dragon and B. in the car and realised 我累了, I have been feeling like I need a whole day at home. Just to be at home and perhaps read, pray, or do nothing but look at the flowers on my table or the sun casting it's light on the opposite blocks.

Somehow, today I did. Started my quiet time with hymns. At It is Well (Bethel), I teared, remembering how I sang it in Mongolia when I was dealing with stuffs. Reminded to be quiet and trust. The next song Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing was what opened the floodgates. "On that day, when freed from sinning, I shall see Thy lovely face // Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God"

I was crying and crying because at that point my soul longed for His kingdom come so so much. And simultaneously, I heard from Him that there is redeeming work to be done here, now. I was also crying at my fears- fears of not doing enough, that I will stop dreaming, fears that 20 years down the road I will be cynical and jaded. Crying for the broken things in this world as well (and it was really cathartic).

Then it was the old hymn How Great Thou Art which wrecked me again. "When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur."
I was thinking, we are all searching for something beyond that mountain, beyond that starry sky, beyond. And that something is God. That thought brought me back to Engin for Good which we were discussing yesterday. I'm really thankful for that bunch really, as I am typing now I am reminded again that this is not a line battle but there is God, there are brothers and sisters in Christ running alongside.

Still feeling a bit fragile lol but I think I'm filled again. Sometimes it's also about framing things in my mind. Let me fix my eyes on my Redeemer, in quietness and trust. And I remember the many blessings He has given me, and I thank Him for the friends whom I enjoy and learn from.

Update: #QOTD "But I think it's a bit old-fashioned, to go into a job because of money." 

The response from D. over lunch between prayer comm meeting when I was sharing that most people in law go into corporate law because of the money. Instantaneous x100% like him better. 

Today has been a long day but a good one; the PhD interview when okay (though I am so relieved that will be the one and only one before I know the results in March), prayer comm was quite enjoyable, and I had naan and palak paneer for dinner before Diversity Symposium meeting.